| | Keiryn was riding her bike the other night with her cousin Aiden (who is the same age as her - 3)
Keiryn was behind Aiden when she yelled to him, "Aiden! Don't go over that bump or you will die. You'll crash and you'll die." I'm not sure how she meant it to sound, but it sounded cute. She said it with no panic in her voice at all. It's hard to say if she was thinking of her dad when she said it, or if it was just a random thought that occurred. I took it as a simple statement.
Aiden stopped his bike, got off, came over to me, and tugged on my skirt, "Auntie Brandy? Will I die if I fall off my bike?"
"No, Aiden. You won't. Infact, you can probably ride over that bump with no problem at all. And even if you do wipe out, you won't even get hurt. Just ride over the bump and don't listen to Keiryn."
Then he went over to Keiryn, with his hands on his hips and firmly said to her, "See Keiryn... Auntie Brandy said I won't die. Only Uncle Chris dies when he falls off his bike." Yikes. I hear them say stuff like that all the time... But that day, it felt like I got kicked in my stomach.
He got back on his bike and confidently rode over the bump with no trouble at all. My eyes had already started to well up with tears when Keiryn looked back at me and declared, "Watch mom! I'm gonna try it too!"
When she was riding over the bump that she was scared of two minutes before, I thought of Chris and how proud of her he'd be. And when she looked back at me, she had this great big smile from ear to ear and I knew she was looking at me to see if I was proud of her. I was proud of her. But for that moment, I wished that Chris were back again, even for just one second, to see her smile. I know that he would have smiled back at her. I know he would have.
But he's not here. And I let her down. When she looked back at me to see if I was proud of her, all she saw was a blank faced mother, with tears running down her cheeks.
Shit. Why couldn't I have just smiled back at her? I so badly wish I would have. |
| | Posted 8/16/2007 11:56 AM - 70 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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