BComfy's Xanga

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:10:11 GMT

Dear Mr. Giles,

This letter is very informal. It's simply a random thought that I'm having right now, after I read your newsletter home about the passing of Alyssa Bartraw. It seems unfair that a child of only the age six must die, but you took it very seriously and taught the kids at school a thing or two.

The letter you sent home was beautiful. I sat here and cried... for what you said, was basically that you had a mini memorial in the gym, with all the kids. How amazing. Kienna came home and declared that she was going to Alyssa's funeral tomorrow. She's going to make a card for Alyssa, and she wants to go to the funeral, because she knows that Alyssa will be in heaven watching her. People who die, never miss the funeral.

So, she's going to make Alyssa a card:

Dear Alyssa,
I'm am writing this note because I wanted to tell you how happy I am for you. My daddy died and he's in heaven. You are so lucky that you get to see him, and he is going to take really good care of you. I drew a picture for you of my daddy and you, sitting on a cloud, eating icecream cones, and you're both looking down on all of us... and you and my daddy are happy that everyone down on earth, are happy too.
Love Kienna Dyer
PS. Give my daddy a kiss.

Okay, so I coached her a bit with the letter, but it was a very therapuetic excercise for the both of us. And she is very proud of herself, because she feels strong. She wants to help. And it's good for her to do that.

So, Mr. Giles, when Kienna came home from school today and told me of the service in the gym... I suddenly remembered that you had the same type of memorial assembly when Kienna's dad died. I'm not sure if Kienna was there that day, but someone told me about it. I guess I feel like I never really got a chance to thank you for that. I was honored the day I heard what you did.

You make a wonderful Principal and I am very happy that my daughter Kienna, has such great role models around her. Mrs. Faulk was a pleasure, Mrs. Hurford is teacing Kienna to read!! And I'm so excited about that. And you're a great principle.

So, in closing, I guess I'll say thank you for what you do. Simple things are some times the lessons that children learn, outside of math and art. Life lessons are part of being a child too. You're doing a great job.

Sincerely,

Brandy Dyer

Friday, September 14, 2007

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 02:47:22 GMT

Oh man. My life is changing. Changing fast. I love it.

September 22nd, a day in 2006 where I suffered the greatest trajedy I hope to ever have. I lost my husband in a motorcycle accident. This year has been so hard that there aren't words to describe it. I've shed many tears and had many days where I could just crawl up in bed and cry. I've listened to my children, who also suffered major grief, talk of their daddy and how much they miss him. I've had to tell my five year old, what happened to her daddy's body, and explain cremation and cemetaries and funerals... and I've had to tell my three year old over and over again, that her daddy is never coming back. And I've had to work full time so that my kids don't have to eat Spam for dinner.

But today, I sit here, only one week away from the one year anniversary of losing my husband. And I'm excited. I'm excited that this year is finally over. Things are starting to get easier now. I've come into my own... I feel like a different person. A better person. I've overcome fears, I've gained more confidence in myself, I've learned a lot about people and mostly, I've learned about myself. I feel good.

This year, on September 22nd, I will move into my new house. I started builidng the house in April, and it hasn't been any easy road. There were a lot of out of town trips, getting estimates, finding better prices, bugging the trades guys... picking stuff out... blah, blah... anyway, I'm excited to move into that house next week, knowing that it was me that built it. It was me that orchestrated it. I feel like I've really accomplished something in this first year. And I'm so excited for my fresh start in my new home.

I'm okay now. I'm still sad, and I miss him, but I can do it without him. I'm glad we had the time we did together, and now it's time to move on. My grief will never leave me, but there are many opportunities for happiness out there... and if I crawl up in my bed and cry, I might let a chance of a lifetime go by.

And once I've moved into my new house, I am going to start dating. I'm ready for someone to sweep me off my feet. (I'm just gonna' speak with my shrink first to make sure I am actually ready)

I'm just really excited for the first year to be over, so that I can start on my second year - my new life.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 05:23:02 GMT

I can hardly wait to get my new car and my laser-beam paper cutter and my house on the ocean.

NEW HUSBAND

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 05:03:23 GMT

THE LIST:

He’ll be good with the children, no, great
He’ll love me to pieces
He’ll be someone who everyone enjoys
He’ll be funny
He’ll be kind
He’ll be ambitious
He’ll be spontaneous
He’ll have a great family
He’ll have a passion.
He’ll have drive.
He’ll retire at 50.
He’ll take me out to fancy places.
He’ll dress up for Halloween.
He’ll be open minded.
He’ll love to travel.
He’ll be thoughtful.
He’ll be compassionate.
He’ll like great music.
He’ll love my friends.
He’ll love my family.
He’ll be a great dad.

He’s such a wonderful man. I can hardly wait to meet him.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 14:56:22 GMT

Keiryn was riding her bike the other night with her cousin Aiden (who is the same age as her - 3)

Keiryn was behind Aiden when she yelled to him, "Aiden! Don't go over that bump or you will die. You'll crash and you'll die." I'm not sure how she meant it to sound, but it sounded cute. She said it with no panic in her voice at all. It's hard to say if she was thinking of her dad when she said it, or if it was just a random thought that occurred. I took it as a simple statement.

Aiden stopped his bike, got off, came over to me, and tugged on my skirt, "Auntie Brandy? Will I die if I fall off my bike?"

"No, Aiden. You won't. Infact, you can probably ride over that bump with no problem at all. And even if you do wipe out, you won't even get hurt. Just ride over the bump and don't listen to Keiryn."

Then he went over to Keiryn, with his hands on his hips and firmly said to her, "See Keiryn... Auntie Brandy said I won't die. Only Uncle Chris dies when he falls off his bike." Yikes. I hear them say stuff like that all the time... But that day, it felt like I got kicked in my stomach.

He got back on his bike and confidently rode over the bump with no trouble at all. My eyes had already started to well up with tears when Keiryn looked back at me and declared, "Watch mom! I'm gonna try it too!"

When she was riding over the bump that she was scared of two minutes before, I thought of Chris and how proud of her he'd be. And when she looked back at me, she had this great big smile from ear to ear and I knew she was looking at me to see if I was proud of her. I was proud of her. But for that moment, I wished that Chris were back again, even for just one second, to see her smile. I know that he would have smiled back at her. I know he would have.

But he's not here. And I let her down. When she looked back at me to see if I was proud of her, all she saw was a blank faced mother, with tears running down her cheeks.

Shit. Why couldn't I have just smiled back at her? I so badly wish I would have.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 03:56:21 GMT

Hello everyone! Did you miss me? I have a question for all of you, so please, make comments!!

Do you believe in love at first site?

Facebook, Love it:

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 03:23:52 GMT

K, this is what I wrote on Facebook to Brad Christinsen (he lives in Creston too)

Dear Brad,
Okay, well here's something weird. I was wondering, and brace yourself... well actually, Donna really wants this... any chance that you could call it the Chris Dyer Memorial Derby? He was so into fishing and Donna is just so proud of that and she's so proud of his job at the Brewery and the Brewery has been so good to all of us... do you think that's too weird? He just really loved that derby and I think last year, Kienna (my six year old) won the derby. Chris was the proudest Daddy around. She really reeled in that fish too. I saw her.
Brandy Dyer

Brad Christenson
10:04pm June 14th
Brandy, sorry I didn't get back to you right away. Yes of course I personnally have no problem with the idea. I'll bring it up next time we have a meeting and see how it flys with everyone else, o.k.

I know he loved his fishing, we sat and talked for about 20 minutes together because he was inviting me to come with him in the Barry Emeul derby just before he left work on that fateful day if Donna might have mentioned to you. And ya I remember the smile on Kiennas face and Chris's

Take care, Brad

What to do.

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 01:27:33 GMT

Hmmm.... so a friend of me told me that someone is interested in me today. She said that he wants to ask me out. So, that's good, I guess, since I keep blabbing to the world that I think I'm ready for that. (even thought I'm so not ready)

The skinny on this guy: He's cute. Hot really. Tall, slim. Beautiful smile. A little bit awkard and shy, but probably super sweet. He's nice. He's motivated and good at business. He's a great father. He'd be a great friend. There really are no strikes against him other than the fact that he's seeking a relationship, which scares the crap out of me.

A part of me wants him to phone and ask me out, because I sort of want to say yes. The thought of saying yes scares me, but then there's a part of me that thinks he might not phone and that scares me too. What if I miss an opportunity here?

So, if he doesn't phone, do I phone him? Or, the next time I go to where he works, should I slip him a note that says,
"If you ask me, I'll say yes."

Maybe that's too freaky and "coin-guy ish"

Forget it. I'll just wait for the next guy.

Flowers

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 02:54:16 GMT

I received flowers at work today. At first I was kind of excited. As much as I hate flowers because they remind me of funerals, I was a little bit excited at first because I haven't got flowers in a long time. And who could they be from?

As soon as I took the tiny card off of the stick in the bouquet, I immediately knew who they were from. The envelope was heavy. There was a five dollar coin inside...

It read,
"Thinking of you.
The Coin Guy.
(with a phone and cell number)

Should I phone him? Or is this guy a freak?

Coin Guy

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 01:20:49 GMT

After Chris passed away I went back to work. I can't really remember if it was a week after, or two, or even three, because in widow time, it felt like months... anyway, it doesn't matter.

I was not back to myself yet at all. I went to work, but couldn't focus on anything. I was basically just there because it was the only alternative to laying in bed all day crying. I was there, but not really there at all. I was somewhere else. Every minute was spent thinking of my trajedy that didn't even seem real yet. His death consumed my every thought, my every action. I was overwhelmed with it all and completely unable to focus on anything.

I was sitting at my desk, or maybe I was standing, but I remember looking up to a man standing at my front counter. I knew when I first looked at him that he wasn't a customer of mine. I didn't recognize him at all. And infact, I hardly even had any customers coming in at that point because everyone was scared to talk to me. No one knew what to say.

He had something in his hand. Two coins. Two five dollars coins that were all pretty and shiny and wrapped in a fancy, clear, plastic cover. I went out to the front, and although I don't rememeber what he said, I know he said something like this: " I heard what happened to you and I really feel for you. I brought you these coins to give to your girls." I can still remember the look of compassion on his face. He had empathy for me. Real empathy.

He then turned around and started to walk out. I yelled to him, "Who are you?"

"He looked back and said, "Just some guy. You don't know me."

His presence that day, really had an impact on me. I don't know why, but it did. I remember telling Amber and Beth about this guy and how the experience left me feeling, well, I'm not even sure. It was weird. It was bizarre. It was touching. It was thoughtful of him. Who was this guy? Why did he care about what happened to me and my girls? I didn't even know him. Why did he have such compassion on his face? Did something like this happen to him once? I guess in a way I was flattered that someone who didn't know me, could have so much compassion. Someone that didn't even know me went out of his way to bring me a unique gift for my girls. I thought of him for months afterwards. Not in a bad way or a good way. I just thought of him. And by the way, the girls loved their coins.

Tonight I went to the bar. It was a little bit strange to be out. I haven't been out to the bar too many times since September. I had a few people come up to me with the pathetic look and say, "Good for you Brandy. It's so nice to see you out." Yeah, whatever. Good for me. I felt like punching them all in the face. (not you Kendra or Jamie)

The waitress came over to me and gave me a drink. "Someone bought this for you, but he doesn't want me to tell you who he is. He's really sweet and nice but he knows it's too soon for you and he doesn't want to bother you. He just wanted you to know that someone is thinking of you."

Of course I couldn't let this be. I bugged the waitress untils she finally gave it up. She told me who it was. I didn't know him or recognize him. I checked him out, throughout the evening, avoiding eye contact and the thought of actually talking to him. But finally, at the end of the night, the waitress came over to me with him and said that he just had to meet me. "Brandy, meet James."

He shook my hand and at the same time pulled me into his neck. It was almost like he was going to kiss my cheek, but he didn't. I pulled away and looked at his face and all of a sudden I recognized him. He had a look that I remembered. "Who are you?" I said, "For some reason I recognize you."

"Yes," he paused. I think he was trying to decide if it was a good idea for him to say what he was going to say or not, but he did. "I stopped in at your store in the fall and left you some coins."

"Oh my God. You're the coin guy?" I said, in total shock. I was suddenly flooded with all these emotions about Chris and about being back at work too soon and about that guy. That guy, who I didn't know, that brought me those coins for reasons that I didn't understand. That guy that I thought about so many times during my time of sadness. I stood there and looked at him for a moment and all I could say once more was, "You're the coin guy? Why did you bring me those coins?"

"Umm.... I don't know. I guess it's because I'm a very spiritual person and ...."

I didn't let him finish. I didn't want him to tell me something weird about being spiritual and that after Chris was gone that he got a strange sign from above to meet me or whatever. Those sorts of things sort of freak me out. "I can't believe you're the coin guy. That was so sweet, and really touching. Thank you, but I have to go now, my ride is waiting."

And that was it. I just left the poor guy standing there. I know that he really wanted me to stay. He waited all night just to get introduced and after two sentences, I was leaving. He quickly said to me, "I hope the next time you are out that we can sit down and talk. I would really like to talk with you."

"Yes, that would be nice. Next time." I said.

And that's it. That's the coin guy. I don't know whether to make heads or tails of it. (Ha - no pun intended)